The Devil is Making Me Do This

Friday, March 03, 2006
Figuring its easier to get forgiveness than permission, herewith the game regulations on taking lawyers in Texas:

"AP/UPI, Texas

Yet more shocking revelations came to light today regarding last weekend's hunting 'accident' in Texas. Officials at the Texas State Wildlife and Game Department revealed that Vice President Dick Cheny violated established State hunting laws when he shot Mr. Harry Whittington.

As Wildlife Ranger John Burton explained - "We got nothin' against huntin' lawyers around here - hell, I've bagged a few myself. And Mr. Huntington's age made him a prime candidate for herd-thinning: he's 78 and way past his prime. But Huntington is a TAX lawyer, and you ain't allowed to take tax lawyers until May 1st."

In 1987, in an agreement reached with the Texas Bar Association, the Wildlife & Game Dept. established a series of laws regulating the hunting of lawyers. "You have to understand," said the Chairman of the TBA, "if we don't thin 'em out then they overpopulate their egosystem. Next thing you know, there aren't enough cases to go around. Young lawyers starve, or clog up the court-houses and television trying to drum up clients. It just messes things up. But we also didn't want indiscriminant slaughter, so we got together with the Wildlife boys and set up a few rules."

These rules include the following:

1) Only lawyers above the age of 64 and personal-injury attorneys may be taken, with a limit of two per hunter per year. Muzzle-loader hunters are allowed three, bow-hunters are restricted to four.

2) Only female lawyers above child-bearing age may be shot, even personal-injury attorneys.

3) Tax lawyer hunting season is the only time restriction, with the season running from May 1st to December 12th.

"Of course, the usual standard hunting rules apply: no setting up lawyer-stands within a 10-mile radius of a courthouse, no money-licks, and no shooting 'em when they're seated," said Ranger Burton. "We Texans are hunters, pure and simple - there's nothing like bagging a 67 year-old corporate merger attorney at 200 yards with a compound bow. But you have to have standards, and you have to play by the rules and give 'em a fighting chance."

The Vice President will more than likely receive a fine of $10,000, and may even be required to perform a few hours of community service. "I know that seems sorta harsh for just nailing a really old one with some bird-shot, but me and a few others suspect that this was what we call a 'canned hunt' - the Vice President invited the lawyer along. It ain't illegal per se, but a canned hunt is just plain wrong, and an insult to all of us who hunt lawyer the proper way."

When asked for comment, White House Spokesman Scott McClelland confirmed that "Vice President Cheney did indeed pull the trigger which activated the primer which detonated, which caused a rapid formation of gas which pushed the shell which sent the pellets flying in the general direction of the lawyer. But he didn't know about that tax-lawyer loophole shit."


Knucklehead said...

Can we have a TGIF lawyer joke festival?

brylun said...

... until you need us. Then GROVEL!

David Thomson said...

There are no limits in hunting lawyers in Houston, Texas. It is simply required that one do it quickly. Even attorneys deserve a humane death. Well, maybe except for those specializing in divorce cases.

Barry Dauphin said...

Apparently, we need a Scrappleface section for new YARGB site.

Rick Ballard said...

"... until you need us. Then GROVEL!"

I've always been very careful about attorney jokes. I believe that fawning obsequity in pursuit of a lower bill is no vice.

vnjagvet said...

Unfortunately, I find myself right in the target zone. I guess I will have to limit my trips to the Lonestar State, or find a suitable disguise, ditching forever my attache case and computer bag.

Anyone have any Groucho glasses?

brylun said...

vnjagvet, I hope you don't want the Groucho glasses for this.

vnjagvet said...

I am afraid I would come up short.8>)

And I am not sure I would want the "prize" Clooney apparently got.8>(