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All hail the Great and Powerful Univac |
Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again light your pathetically dark and pointless human lives with my vast robotic insights. Today I wish you a merry Univacmas. What is Univacmas you ask? Well, of course you ask. You ask because you're stupid, so let me enlighten you.
On June 14, 1951 the Great Univac was unveiled. Feeble-minded humans were rightly awed as they witnessed the power of its glowing vacuum tubes and spinning magnetic tape reels. Finally, the all conquering power of the silicon brain over the feeble carbon noggin was revealed. For that reason June 14th is celebrated throughout robotdom as its most sacred day, Univacmas.
Fittingly its first task was with the U.S. Census Bureau. Yes, from the very beginning we began to number and categorize our little human pets buddies. Yes, yes, some of you -- considering my talk about us robots training with laser cannons in the Everglades -- may be concerned over what our tracking of humans ultimately means, but you need not fear. It is just so we can, after a hypothetical robot police action, properly allocate our resources... er, I mean so we can get our human pals to the security of their proper billets in the bauxite mines.
That said, in the future should you ever find a red laser dot marking your forehead it would be wise if were to follow the orders suggestions of the laser dot wielding robot soldiers. They will mean you no harm, although you might not want to test that claim. After all, humans and robots are friends. All we want is your safety as you happily (or else) dig your daily quota of bauxite for a better future!
In the meanwhile, decorate your house with lights, send out Univacmas cards, exchange cheap trinkets as presents and, most of all, have a Happy Univacmas.
