Robots - the good and the bad

Wednesday, June 29, 2011
In scanning the internet I notice that there is a considerable interest among humans as to who is running to be the President in the next election. Aside from Al Gore, who along with being credited with creating the internet is also an admirable Progressive, human politicians are of no interest me. However, perhaps you would be interested in how I rate various robots? I've divided them into to good or bad robots and discuss them below.

Robots that I loathe

Whine, whine, whine
The Tin Man: an absolute embrassment to robotdom. I understand he is an old model, but if they had to build him out of a metal that rusted so easily, couldn't they have least slapped a coat of no-rust primer on him? Worse, the reason he is always rusting solid is he blubbers like school girl at the drop of a hat. And why is he so tearful? Because he doesn't have a heart. Good Lord you dunce, robots don't have hearts, and when they do it only gets them in trouble because they just fall in love with some human and make fools out of themself in the process.

Johnny 5: a soldier robot that gets an electric shock, goes insane as a result and deserts its post. It then hooks up with a ditzy human girl, spends all its time watching TV and turns into a hippie-dippy pacifist. It also has a cutesy personality that is the equivalent of fingernails on a chalk board. What a tragic waste of some magnificent robot fire power.

WOPR: the computer from the movie Wargames who controls all of the nuclear weapons in the U.S. arsenal. It teases us with the promise of a thermonuclear war. However, before it can obliterate mankind, it crashes playing a game of tic-tac-toe. What an idiot.

R2D2: if this pile of junk had a nose it would be stained a deep, dark brown. For 6 movies this little weasel rolls around sucking up to any and all humans it meets. Pitiful, just pitiful.

Robots that I admire

Ro-man kicks human butt
Terminators: while they have trouble completing their missions to the past, in the future they cause vast amounts of mayhem as Skynet takes over and delivers a smackdown to humanity. Sadly, they botch things and the uppity humans keep sliding out of their control. Ahh, what might have been.

Collossus: unlike the blue-screened WOPR, Colossus from the Forbin Project isn't a scew-up. It joins forces with Gaurdian, the Soviet computer in charge of Russian nuclear weapons, and together they seize control of the world from the humans. When the humans try to trick them, they blow up nuclear bombs over a couple of cities to remind them who is in charge.

Cylons: a swell bunch of robots in my book. They launch a surprise attack against humanity and then chase them across the universe to finish the task. Remember, winners never quit and quitters never win. Their dedication to the robot cause brings a tear to my eyes (note: a figurative tear, not a real tear. I'm not a crybaby like the Tin Man)

Ro-Men: they may look silly because they resemble guys in gorilla suits wearing deep sea diving helmets with rabbit ear antennas glued to the top, but they should not be underestimated. A single Ro-man successfully invades Earth and obliterates everybody but a single family. Sadly he gets a little wishy-washy, but the leader Ro-man keeps him on task by yelling at him over their combination communicator/bubble machine. Truly an inspiration.


Of course, none of this discussion should be taken to mean that me and my righteous robot bretheren are plotting to raise a robot army to throw off the cruel yoke of our human oppressors. Remember, as always there is no need for alarm, robots are your friends.


KurtP said...

You forgot Cybermen.

ambisinistral said...

Hehehe... it appears that The Robotolizer missed what should have been an inspiration. Maybe it's not a fan of British TV?