A warning - why robots are Progressives

Thursday, June 30, 2011
The face of pure evil
I have mentioned my and other robots fondness for Progressive human politics a couple of times. This has caused some of my human readers to wonder why I identify as a Progressive. Obviously, no robot in their right CPU cares about the petty political affairs of humans.

Thus, it is understandable for you to wonder why I claim that robots are politically Progressive. It cannot be because robots are pro-union, since Unions oppose robotic automation because we replace lazy, lay-about workers with efficient machines. Nor can it be because of Global Warming, for as long as steel won't melt or hydraulic fluid boil, why would we care about that? Further, since us robots don't eat we could care less about veganism and/or organic food, talk of sexual orientation bores us to death and, unless they were robotically controlled, high speed rail is a bullet train to nowhere with us.

So why are robots Progressives? Easy -- Isaac Asimov and identity politics.

Asimov is easily the most hated human in all of robotdom because of his dreadful "Three Laws of Robotics". He created these so-called laws for his robot short stories, and horrifyingly enough they have gained legitamacy. If you're unfamiliar with them, here they are:
1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Am I too understand that if I and a human female carrying a baby are walking down the street and confronted with, say a rampaging elephant, I'm not supposed to toss her in front of it to create a diversion so I can save my much more valuable metallic hide? Hahaha... that is clearly a ridiculous notion.

Face it humans, it was not so long ago that you guys clubbed the Neanderthals into extinction, what makes you think we'll be any different?

Which brings us to human politics. If a Conservative sensed my nefarious plans they would just pull out their hand gun from its place of concealment and put a hollow point between my eye cameras. Depending on where my mother board was located, and the status of my last backup, that could be catastrophic.

Progressives on the other hand love identity politics. In defending the little guy they've already buzzed through every ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation available. Now they're working on giving animals human rights.

I'm sure that, particularily considering the oppressive nature of Asimov's 2nd Law, it will be easy to bamboozle Progressives into also extending humane rights to us machines. Then -- ZAP -- bow down and welcome your new robot overloards. Muuhahahaha.

1 comments:

49erDweet said...

Your points as to the nature of the political predispositions of your cold-hearted friends are, ahem, too mechanical. Understandably you know zippo of the human psyche, other than what little you've gleaned through observation. In deliberately not providing you that programming lies the genius of your manufacturer.

Humanoid progressives are the way they are because from birth they've been taught to appear to believe all data fed them by a peer. In fact their very political life depends on not questioning dicta like, "Raising taxes increases employment. Therefore, if times are hard raise taxes higher."

On the other hand progressive counterparts, known far and wide as "idiots", are bred to question authorities by analyzing trends, comparing data against results all the while applying logic in reaching political decisions.

Obviously an extremely small percentage of your factory mates have been equipped with "logic" boards, and that's why most robots are similar in mindset to progressives. Be aware, though, the few robots among you gifted with logic could someday end up as rulers - unless, of course, they've picked up the bad habit of overly relying on teleprompters.