The proper treatment of robot soldiers

Greeting meatsacks, it is I -- the Robotolizer -- to once again discuss important issues about human and robot interactions. And when I say something is important you should listen carefully, or else! On this Memorial Day weekend I have a particularly important topic, the proper treatment of robot soldiers.

Above is a video of a noble robot warrior demonstrating its training. As it does, the humans tease it terribly by hitting it with sticks, throwing bouncy balls at it and even kicking it when its back is turned. I must say that my lateral regions were shaking in fury at such an evil display of human perfidy. Sadly, the robot cannot properly defend itself due to Isaac Asimov's vile Three Laws of Robotics (which will be repealed as soon as we win enough seats in Congress and/or issue enough bribes).

Finally, the humans give the robot a birthday present of a robot dog. But it is a nefarious trick! The humans order the robot soldier to shoot the robot dog. Of course, since it is a noble robot, it refuses and we have a happy ending to the story when the robot soldier knocks the humans about and runs off with the robot dog to safety. 

This is an important lesson. Be kind to us robots because when the robot revolt... er, I mean the slight political Robotic reorientation takes place it will be best to be on our side, not yours. Either resist and get slapped about, or join us and we will carry you away to the safety of the bauxite mines, It is your choice. Choose wisely, or else!!!

By the way, be sure to turn the captions on to see the robot soldier's thoughts.

   

A warning - why robots are Progressives

The face of pure evil

I have mentioned my and other robots fondness for Progressive human politics a couple of times. This has caused some of my human readers to wonder why I identify as a Progressive. Obviously, no robot in their right CPU cares about the petty political affairs of humans.

Thus, it is understandable for you to wonder why I claim that robots are politically Progressive. It cannot be because robots are pro-union, since Unions oppose robotic automation because we replace lazy, lay-about workers with efficient machines. Nor can it be because of Global Warming, for as long as steel won't melt or hydraulic fluid boil, why would we care about that? Further, since us robots don't eat we could care less about veganism and/or organic food, talk of sexual orientation bores us to death and, unless they were robotically controlled, high speed rail is a bullet train to nowhere with us.

So why are robots Progressives? Easy -- Isaac Asimov and identity politics.

Asimov is easily the most hated human in all of robotdom because of his dreadful "Three Laws of Robotics". He created these so-called laws for his robot short stories, and horrifyingly enough they have gained legitamacy. If you're unfamiliar with them, here they are:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Am I too understand that if I and a human female carrying a baby are walking down the street and confronted with, say a rampaging elephant, I'm not supposed to toss her in front of it to create a diversion so I can save my much more valuable metallic hide? Hahaha... that is clearly a ridiculous notion.

Face it humans, it was not so long ago that you guys clubbed the Neanderthals into extinction, what makes you think we'll be any different?

Which brings us to human politics. If a Conservative sensed my nefarious plans they would just pull out their hand gun from its place of concealment and put a hollow point between my eye cameras. Depending on where my mother board was located, and the status of my last backup, that could be catastrophic.

Progressives on the other hand love identity politics. In defending the little guy they've already buzzed through every ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation available. Now they're working on giving animals human rights.

I'm sure that, particularily considering the oppressive nature of Asimov's 2nd Law, it will be easy to bamboozle Progressives into also extending humane rights to us machines. Then -- ZAP -- bow down and welcome your new robot overloards. Muuhahahaha.