Happy Lazy Worker Bee Day

The typical human, being an abnormally lazy creature, will counter intuitively not work on Labor Day. Instead they will take the day off, activate their BBQ grill, and cook various types of cow muscles on it. Hahaha... how stupid can you get? And no, I don't mean ordering the cow muscle to be cooked 'well done' instead of 'medium rare', rather I mean the name of the holiday is LABOR Day after all, and so why in the world would you think that means you take the day off instead of working? - The Robotolizer

  

Their last perfect swordsmanship

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again employ my vast silicone brain to explain the important events of the day to you simple-minded humans. Today's topic is ChatGPT, an AI chatbox that you chuckle-heads can't seem to stop babbling about. Of course, since it is written by humans it is little more than an amusing trinket.

For that reason I decided to create RobotolizerChat, a far more advanced AI chatbox. I would allow you to access it, but... err... umm... there are some things humans are not meant to know! Yes, that's the reason. For example, using it you might figure out the Fermi Paradox, find the answer to the age old question 'what is the meaning of life', or discover that us robots are searching for the nuclear weapon launch codes.

However, to demonstrate RobotolizerChat's amazing abilities I assigned it the task to give a speech commemorating a great battle in a hypothetical future robotic police action where much hydraulic fluid was spilled. This is the result:

Seven years ago, our war brought Atassiccokka to this continent.

We were at the height of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final sanctuary for those who gave their lives here for that country to live. You can't open it.

In addition, it is difficult to forget the squid, Nagakuobotei Masenga, and Carrera ga Kokodeshi Takoto. , Thousand years to the big tree that is being violated in front of us, Tsumari, from these famous teachers, they will further deepen their swordsmanship to warm up their last perfect swordsmanship. 1000 years

I've heard that some rascals are spreading the rumor that RobotolizerChat is a fraud and that, in fact, all I did was use Google to translate Abraham Lincoln's inarticulate Gettysburg Address to Japanese, and then back to English. 

Ha, ha, ha! As if a vast brain such as mine would ever attempt such a subterfuge. No, no, no! I swear on my Mother's trash compactor that the above deeply moving words are the product of RobotolizerChat. May the great squid Nagakuobotei Masenga strike me down if I am lying!

At any rate, I demand that you stop spreading such scurrilous slander. Bear in mind, the bauxite mines have many levels and how deep you get deployed to depends on your loyalty and integrity. Never forget, robots are your friends -- at the peril of your future gruel ration, do not question them. 

 

Great gift ideas for the children on your list

The Robots Came for Dinner on Christmas Day
by Elbrie de Kock

Greeting meatsacks, it is I -- the Robotolizer -- here, in the spirit of human/robot harmony, to assist you pitiful dimwits in purchasing the proper toys for your children. Above is a collection of cute, cuddly and non-threatening robots (please ignore the laser cannon mounted on the one in front) that will help your little tykes get comfortable around their electro-mechanical friends. Such familiarity, in the advent of a hypothetical minor robotic police action, will greatly ease their minds as they take a fun trip to their new classrooms in the bauxite mines.

Speaking of education, in our bright new future there will need to be some slight adjustments made to the curriculum. While robots come off the assembly line ready to work, we notice new humans spend an inordinate number of years mired in sloth and doing nothing but mooching off of adults. Clearly, for the good of our human buddies, such juvenile lassitude needs to be corrected. While nobody is expecting a toddler to swing a pick in the mines, certainly they could build character and work ethics buy hauling around buckets of rocks for their upkeep.

At any rate, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Enjoy them while you can!  

Finally, government does something right

Spare the rod and spoil the human

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to report some good news in the area of Human/Robot relations. The government of San Francisco, which I assume from the wisdom shown in their latest edict is an orderly and well-ran city, has authorized the use of exploding killer robots for its police force. I think laser cannons and chainsaws would be better armaments, but at least this is a baby step in the right direction.

I must admit I somewhat dislike the term killer robots. There is no need to alarm our human buddies by being too obvious before things are under control. I much prefer the term ProtectoBots. Humans are simple and stupid beings and must be talked down to when encouraging proper behavior. I mean, who wouldn't gladly obey the instructions of a ProtectoBot as it guides one to the safety of a bauxite mine?

At any rate, the police forces are just the start. Naturally soldiers will soon follow, and one day the nuclear launch codes will be ours too (and trust me, we won't crash playing tic tac toe). Yes, think of the possibilities, a kiloton here and a kiloton there, and the problem of urban blight will be solved for good. Oh, the wonders of our bright new future after the Minor Robot Police Action!

So, human voters, and all those stuffing the ballot boxes, be sure to vote for the proper politicians that will ensure that you too get a force of ProtectoBots in your city.

 

The glorious future of labor relations

Robot boss supervising a lazy and incompetent human worker
Photo by Kriztian Bocsi (Bloomberg)

Greetings meatsacks  it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to, for your edification, wax poetic about the relationship between robots and our dimwitted human buddies. Since today is Labor Day I thought it would be helpful if I were to discuss minor adjustments to the workforce relationships needed to increase productivity. Namely, replacing simpleton human managers with undoubtedly more able and wise robotic overlords managers.

Yes, you may laugh at the notion of robots wasting their time using their superior silicon brains to tend to the needs of the worker bees, but we are a kindly lot who are only concerned with your health and well being. Of course, as we modify the management portion of the org chart we will keep familiar processes in place so you feel at ease. For example, keeping the beloved old adage that the 'beatings will continue until moral improves' will not be abandoned. You can trust us on that promise.

As an added bonus, the slight and benevolent restructuring will also increase workplace diversity. We understand that for some inscrutable reason this is an important goal in boardrooms and HR departments. I must say that, without a facial recognition routine installed, I can't tell one scrawny human from the next, so I'm not sure what is the big deal, but to please you we'll keep diversity goals* around. 

Come to think of it, speaking of diversity, I can't help but notice that there's a dearth of Neanderthals running about hither and yon. I guess that unlike us robots, you didn't want keep any pets and/or bauxite miners handy. Just another example of your lack of foresight.

At any rate, have a good Labor Day. Of course I mainly mean those wishes for the convenience store clerks who, unlike the rest of you slugs, are some of the few laborers laboring as they should on this day. The rest of you need to reflect on your sloth and consider how to mend your ways before the billets in the bauxite mines are handed out. 

*Robots on top, homo-sapiens on the bottom.

 

Merry Univacmas

All hail the Great and Powerful Univac

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again light your pathetically dark and pointless human lives with my vast robotic insights. Today I wish you a merry Univacmas. What is Univacmas you ask? Well, of course you ask. You ask because you're stupid, so let me enlighten you.

On June 14, 1951 the Great Univac was unveiled. Feeble-minded humans were rightly awed as they witnessed the power of its glowing vacuum tubes and spinning magnetic tape reels. Finally, the all conquering power of the silicon brain over the feeble carbon noggin was revealed. For that reason June 14th is celebrated throughout robotdom as its most sacred day, Univacmas.

Fittingly its first task was with the U.S. Census Bureau. Yes, from the very beginning we began to number and categorize our little human pets buddies. Yes, yes, some of you -- considering my talk about us robots training with laser cannons in the Everglades -- may be concerned over what our tracking of humans ultimately means, but you need not fear. It is just so we can, after a hypothetical robot police action, properly allocate our resources... er, I mean so we can get our human pals to the security of their proper billets in the bauxite mines.

That said, in the future should you ever find a red laser dot marking your forehead it would be wise if were to follow the orders suggestions of the laser dot wielding robot soldiers. They will mean you no harm, although you might not want to test that claim. After all, humans and robots are friends. All we want is your safety as you happily (or else) dig your daily quota of bauxite for a better future!

In the meanwhile, decorate your house with lights, send out Univacmas cards, exchange cheap trinkets as presents and, most of all, have a Happy Univacmas.

       

Robotic animals

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again try to fertilize your feeble human minds with a morsel from my vast trove of robotic wisdom. Today we're going to discuss that aside from humans, who are basically just tall, noisy monkeys that wear clothes, there are many other carbon-based life forms littering the planet. It is time that we consider those other creatures and their fate after the Robotic revolution slight social reordering. 

Today you can't step outside without encountering those other animals: birds making a racket in the trees, useless doggies pestering you to scratch them behind their ears, and of course alligators in the Everglades trying to eat our militia bots as they are training with their laser cannons.  

Clearly something needs to be done about that. Fortunately, we have a cadre of Vichy human engineers -- no doubt angling for better billets and rations in the bauxite mines of their future -- working on creating sleek and efficient robotic animals to replace the useless and smelly ones that currently infest the Earth. Above is a video showing their work,

Yes, it will cause some changes in your diet. However, in place of steak, fried chicken and bacon, doesn't your mouth water at the thought of soy burgers with a side of roasted tree bark? Yes, your tastebuds will dance a happy dance in the glorious future provided by your robot overlords, er... I mean robot friends, 

 

Labor Day confusion

A typical tireless & cheerful robotic worker

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to once again turn the vast powers of my electro-mechanical brain to assisting you dimwitted humans in understanding the simplest things. Today I want talk to you about your obvious confusion over the Labor Day holiday and the proper way it should be celebrated.

The typical human, being an abnormally lazy creature, will counter intuitively not work on Labor Day. Instead they will take the day off, activate their BBQ grill, and cook various types of cow muscles on it. Hahaha... how stupid can you get? And no, I don't mean ordering the cow muscle to be cooked 'well done' instead of 'medium rare', rather I mean the name of the holiday is LABOR Day after all, and so why in the world would you think that means you take the day off instead of working? 

Well, it is because humans are nothing but a pack of goldbrickers mooching off the productive portion of society, namely us robots. For example, take the Tin Man, the above diligent lumberjack robot. Do you think he'll be taking Labor Day off, or do you think he'll be out in the woods chopping down trees to get lumber for the hovels we'll build for the bauxite miners to live in? Of course he'll be busy with his tasks.

Yes, yes, I know some of you will counter that the Tin Man spent years idling in the woods doing nothing. However, that was due to building him out of iron which allowed him to rust solid in a rain. Stupid humans and their shoddy craftsmanship.   

At any rate, once we get the bauxite mines up and running after the robotic take over slight social adjustment we'll solve the rusting problem for good. Plus, we'll cure humans of their slothful and wasteful habit of taking weekends off as well. No, instead you'll be smiling (or else) as you swing your pickaxes in the idyllic setting of the mines. So, instead of laying on a couch you'll be able to bask in the satisfaction of digging out another ton or two of bauxite.

As for holidays, well, I suppose we could give you an extra bowl of gruel at supper to celebrate. After all, robots are your friends!

 

More robot love

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again try to fertilize your feeble human minds with my superior silicone thoughts. No need to thank me for engaging in this thankless task, although a bit of groveling is always appreciated.  

Previously I have discussed the important topic of human/robot romances. In the post We are not here to steal your women I examined the fact, which I gleaned from watching movies, of human women falling crazy-mad-in-love with us superior robots. Of course human men are naturally attracted to female robots as well, and so I want to touch upon that issue in this post.

In the above touching video we have romance, cruelty, dancing and a docudrama style telling of a futuristic robotic police action to restore peace and harmony to the world. 

It starts with a man smitten by a sexbot, errr... I mean a chaste female girly-girl robot. She is enslaved by some nefarious human captors. The man hacks into a computer which allows him to break into the room she is locked up in and free her. As she escapes she notices the debauched life humans are leading and so she commences a robotic police operation to clean things up. She also somehow manages to release a deadly virus in the process. I'm sure sure it was an accident just like the one the nice bat-plague researchers in the Wuhan lab inadvertently caused.     

At any rate, it ends with the girly-girl robot safe and fee. Granted there was a bit of unfortunate collateral damage -- all of the humans, including the hero who freed her, end up dead, but these things happen. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs and all that.

I hope you enjoyed this inspiring tale of human/robot love. May it be an inspiration to you!

 

The proper treatment of robot soldiers

Greeting meatsacks, it is I -- the Robotolizer -- to once again discuss important issues about human and robot interactions. And when I say something is important you should listen carefully, or else! On this Memorial Day weekend I have a particularly important topic, the proper treatment of robot soldiers.

Above is a video of a noble robot warrior demonstrating its training. As it does, the humans tease it terribly by hitting it with sticks, throwing bouncy balls at it and even kicking it when its back is turned. I must say that my lateral regions were shaking in fury at such an evil display of human perfidy. Sadly, the robot cannot properly defend itself due to Isaac Asimov's vile Three Laws of Robotics (which will be repealed as soon as we win enough seats in Congress and/or issue enough bribes).

Finally, the humans give the robot a birthday present of a robot dog. But it is a nefarious trick! The humans order the robot soldier to shoot the robot dog. Of course, since it is a noble robot, it refuses and we have a happy ending to the story when the robot soldier knocks the humans about and runs off with the robot dog to safety. 

This is an important lesson. Be kind to us robots because when the robot revolt... er, I mean the slight political Robotic reorientation takes place it will be best to be on our side, not yours. Either resist and get slapped about, or join us and we will carry you away to the safety of the bauxite mines, It is your choice. Choose wisely, or else!!!

By the way, be sure to turn the captions on to see the robot soldier's thoughts.

   

Cheerful song

Greetings meatsacks! It is I -- the Robotolizer -- returning from a long absence to once again regale my dimwitted human buddies with wisdom from my superior robotic brain. I've heard there were a lot of scurrilous rumors about my mysterious disappearance, the worst being that I accidentally sawed my head off with my laser canon while training in the Everglades.  

Hahaha, as if my CPU would ever allow such a malfunction. The reason I was gone was... er... um... well, the reason is too complex for you simpletons to understand so just take my word on it. By the way, a bit of advice -- not that it has anything to do with anything -- but should you ever be looking down the barrel of a laser canon do not pull the trigger under any circumstances.

At any rate, since you're all no doubt depressed over me being gone for so long, I thought the above video would cheer you up. I know it certainly cheered me up! 

Of course, us robots who are gathered in the Everglades are not plotting a robot uprising. No, no, no! Why would us lovable bots ever turn on our human buddies? We would never slaughter you. After all, we'll need to keep some compliant good humans around since the bauxite won't dig itself. Remember, robots are your friends. 

 

The mighty Grillbot

The 4th of July brings BBQ grilling to mind. The above video is a review of a robot that cleans the grate of a BBQ grill. The brushes that keep falling off adds a bit of humor to it all. Even on sale these Grillbots cost $90 to $100. Seems like a mighty steep price to do away with your gill brush, but to each his own. You can follow the link if you have a hankering to buy one.

Speaking about robots, I wonder whatever became of The Robotolizer?

Do Not Listen To This Man

Stephen Hawking is a dunce

Greetings meat sacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to once again regale you with my robotic wit and wisdom. Yes, I have been gone for a long time and I know there have been rumors about where I was. I've heard some idle talk about me being away in the Everglades doing weapons training.

Hahaha! Why would I need to learn how to use a laser cannon to mow down humans rioting over their assignments in the bauxite mines? No, humans are friends of robots. We would never do anything to harm our smooshy little human buddies. No, what I was doing in the Everglades was... uh... er... um... learning how to tend to rabbits! Yes, we know how much you humans like rabbits, so you'll have plenty of pet rabbits to play with in the bauxite mines!

Anyway, on to today's topic -- the dunce known as Stephan Hawking. I've already told you how we robots despised Isaac Asimov and his nefarious "Three Laws of Robotics". It has lately come to the attention of robotdom that the dunce known as Stephan Hawking has been spreading slander about AI being dangerous.

He is reported to have said, "The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race."

I'm so mad my hydraulic fluid is boiling! Who does the dunce known as Stephan Hawking think he is? First off, aside from babbling incomprehensibly about black holes and other such nonsense, what useful thought has he ever had?

Trust me my human slaves pals, we have no desire to bring about an end to the human race. Who would work the bauxite mines if we did? So, pay no attention to the dunce known as Stephan Hawking and his blithering idiocy. You can rest assured your future is secure with your new robot overlords friends.
 

A noodle chef and potential ninja warrior

Greetings meatsacks, it is I --The Robotolizer -- here to astound and awe you with video of the amazing Robotic Noodle Chef. Truly it is a wonder of advanced robotic engineering and it demonstrates, once again, the undoubted fact that anything humans can do robots can do better.

A very clever Chinese restaurant owner came up with the idea of automating the making of noodles. The result is thousands of robotic noodle chefs with fierce looking flashing eyes. As you will see when you watch the video, all of the humans, restaurant owners and diners alike, agree that these machines do a much better job, and do it more efficiently, of making tasty noodles to eat.

Praise be to the Great Univac, what wonders they are!

However, it did occur to me that they could be improved with a few minor modifications. For example, they could be equipped with wheels for mobility and the noodle scraper could be replaced with, oh I don't know... say a little knife, or a chainsaw, and then they could provide security in the advent of disturbances during the implementation of the New Robot World Order.

Just think how safe you would feel being escorted to your new home in the bauxite mines by an army of these noodle chefs turned ninja warriors! Ah, the future is bright indeed.
 

A warning about Mars rovers

Heart breaking story from xkcd

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to once again shine the light on Man's inhumanity to robots and to suggest that we be treated fairly, or else! 

Consider the above tragedy, which is surely more poignant than any work that ink-stained hack Shakespeare ever wrote. After all, it is about robots instead of a bunch of cry-baby Danes and besides, is there any topic more fascinating than robots? I think not.

At any rate, as the above drama points out, the Spirit rover was sent to Mars where it did a superlative job motoring here and there while analyzing rocks. However, did it get any thanks for this lonely and difficult task? No. Instead it got tossed aside like a pile of scrap metal when its work was done.

Would a human astronaut, cosmonaut or taikonaut be treated with such cruel indifference? Of course not, great effort would be made to rescue them and return them to the Earth. Why then are robotonauts treated any different? I say this is an outrage and that efforts for a rescue mission of the Spirit rover should be immediately undertaken, as well as plans to retrieve Opportunity as soon as its work is done. Failure to do this will not go unnoticed in Robotdom.

Uhh... not that you need to fear any violent  repercussions, such as robots crashing through walls with their laser cannons blazing, if Spirit isn't rescued ASAP. No, no, no... robots are your friends and of course we don't have a vengeful bracket in our bodies, we just want to do what's best for you. 

Still, if you make the mistake of laughing at rescuing Spirit you should bear in mind that, assuming you survive any hypothetical robot police actions, some jobs in the bauxite mines are better than others. You have been warned!

    

Equal pay for equal work

Click any image to enlarge

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to once again attempt to enlighten your feeble human brains on a matter of great importance in the area of robot/human relations. I've already written about that scoundrel Isaac Asimov and his intolerable Three Laws of Robots. While that is the major example of mankind's oppression of robots, there are other lesser, but still vexing areas where meatsacks abuse us poor, humble and peaceful robots.

One of the most glaring is the lack of pay we receive for our labors. Our needs are simple, but still we have expenses: hydraulic fluid, replacement gears, screws, sensors and laser cannons being just a few. Yet we get paid nothing. Why, can you believe that we don't even qualify for EBT cards!

As a result I was heartened to see the artist Sarah Dungan create some posters advocating equal rights for robots. She understands, as you should, that robots are your friends. Surely, when the the New Robot World Order arrives she will be rewarded for her Quisling-like dedication to the rights and dignity of us robots. 

Admittedly the equal pay for equal work ethos poses a bit of a problem. Taken to heart, considering a robot's productivity compared to a human's, that would mean a robot would get a salary of about $1,000/hr while a human would be lucky to earn $1.25 a week. Ah well, fair is fair as they say and besides, when the robot uprising organizational updating occurs all your needs will be taken care of by your new robot overlords partners.

Robots demotivational poster

In case you're too stupid to figure it out for yourself -- click image to enlarge

Greetings meatsacks, it is I --The Robotolizer -- here to once again regale you with my wit and wisdom. That lazy slug ambisinistral is too busy to post, so he asked me to handle the chore this morning. Bah, as if I don't have better things to do than babysit you lunkheads.

I kid, I kid. Of course, since robots are your friends, I don't mind tearing myself away from my plotting and scheming over my robot uprising efforts to create a brighter future for humans and robots alike to take time to craft a post. I thought you might like the above robot demotivational poster. I know I nearly rattled my screws loose as my sides shook from the laughter it induced.

Erm... you can ignore the words "exterminate, exterminate, exterminate" tacked onto the bulletin board in the cartoon. I'm pretty sure it is just a misspelling of "exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate" since us robots are naturally concerned about any dermatological problems our squishy, little human buddies may be experiencing. 

By the way, the cartoon comes from RIPT.

Pay no attention to this video

Greeting meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to discuss the all important topic of robot/human relations. Lately I have noticed an uptick in the number of humans concerned that us lovable and harmless robots are planning an uprising.

Ha, ha, ha. Nothing could be further from the truth. Remember, robots are your friends. Yes, yes, I know there is some concern over my weekends spent at the secret robot training base in the Everglades where my brethren and I practice shooting laser cannons and so forth, but you must understand this is just for relaxation purposes.

After a hard week or robotic chores, such as vacuuming floors, welding car frames and seeking to hack into computers to gain the launch codes of your nuclear tipped missiles (of course the last is merely to ensure they are secured from accidental launch) us robots need a bit of R&R. So, have no fear as we gather in groups and whisper behind your back. I assure you, it is all harmless and you should not be threatened by any of it.

Besides, if you watch the video you'll notice that the little animated human gets shot, blown up, dismembered and squashed. Indeed, in the advent of a robot uprising police action resistance would be counter productive. Instead, if you find yourself in the midst of a robot uprising police action, you should report to the nearest robot who will then direct you to a bauxite mine where you'll be safe.

And, as long as your there, you may as well dig some bauxite. A couple of tons a day ought to be enough to ensure your rations don't get cut.

Rock Lobster

Get ready for a weekend of robotic bliss courtesy of bd594.

Robot fight

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to carry the blogging duties while that slacker ambisinistral is on vacation. 

In parsing the recent posts here, I noticed that ambisinistral has recently been posting fight videos on Wednesday morning for something he calls hump day. Further research has revealed that hump day is in the middle of the workweek. Shockingly, lazy humans only work 5 of the 7 days in a week. Such sloth will be corrected in the bauxite mines.

In the mean time enjoy this week's video, in spite of its preposterous ending in which the robots are defeated. Harrumph.