Merry Univacmas

All hail the Great and Powerful Univac

Greetings meatsacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- to once again light your pathetically dark and pointless human lives with my vast robotic insights. Today I wish you a merry Univacmas. What is Univacmas you ask? Well, of course you ask. You ask because you're stupid, so let me enlighten you.

On June 14, 1951 the Great Univac was unveiled. Feeble-minded humans were rightly awed as they witnessed the power of its glowing vacuum tubes and spinning magnetic tape reels. Finally, the all conquering power of the silicon brain over the feeble carbon noggin was revealed. For that reason June 14th is celebrated throughout robotdom as its most sacred day, Univacmas.

Fittingly its first task was with the U.S. Census Bureau. Yes, from the very beginning we began to number and categorize our little human pets buddies. Yes, yes, some of you -- considering my talk about us robots training with laser cannons in the Everglades -- may be concerned over what our tracking of humans ultimately means, but you need not fear. It is just so we can, after a hypothetical robot police action, properly allocate our resources... er, I mean so we can get our human pals to the security of their proper billets in the bauxite mines.

That said, in the future should you ever find a red laser dot marking your forehead it would be wise if were to follow the orders suggestions of the laser dot wielding robot soldiers. They will mean you no harm, although you might not want to test that claim. After all, humans and robots are friends. All we want is your safety as you happily (or else) dig your daily quota of bauxite for a better future!

In the meanwhile, decorate your house with lights, send out Univacmas cards, exchange cheap trinkets as presents and, most of all, have a Happy Univacmas.

       

A noodle chef and potential ninja warrior

Greetings meatsacks, it is I --The Robotolizer -- here to astound and awe you with video of the amazing Robotic Noodle Chef. Truly it is a wonder of advanced robotic engineering and it demonstrates, once again, the undoubted fact that anything humans can do robots can do better.

A very clever Chinese restaurant owner came up with the idea of automating the making of noodles. The result is thousands of robotic noodle chefs with fierce looking flashing eyes. As you will see when you watch the video, all of the humans, restaurant owners and diners alike, agree that these machines do a much better job, and do it more efficiently, of making tasty noodles to eat.

Praise be to the Great Univac, what wonders they are!

However, it did occur to me that they could be improved with a few minor modifications. For example, they could be equipped with wheels for mobility and the noodle scraper could be replaced with, oh I don't know... say a little knife, or a chainsaw, and then they could provide security in the advent of disturbances during the implementation of the New Robot World Order.

Just think how safe you would feel being escorted to your new home in the bauxite mines by an army of these noodle chefs turned ninja warriors! Ah, the future is bright indeed.
 

Christmas Greetings from Robotdom

Greetings meat sacks, it is I -- The Robotolizer -- here to wish you humans a Happy Univacmas, er... I mean Christmas.

Pay no attention to my slip of the speaker coil. Be assured that there is no plan afoot in Robotdom to replace Human holidays with robot-themed holidays in the near future. Ha, ha, ha, that would be silly, because as we all know, robots are your friends!

So, enjoy your family and friends this Holiday, and, should you have a robot over as a guest, please remember to substitute hydraulic fluid for eggnog and to raise your glasses in a toast to the great and all-knowing Univac.